Common sense might tell us that second marriages have a higher success rate because we’ve learned from the mistakes in our first marriage.
Unfortunately, this just isn’t true.
Based on the facts I’ve gathered while working with couples for over 11 years, I’ve compiled a list of the top 5 reasons why second marriages fail. Take this opportunity to learn from others’ mistakes to make this marriage the best one yet.
1. Let the Tug of War Begin
(Please substitute male/female where appropriate.)
The competition begins when a woman enters her second marriage, but her new husband is confused about his role in the marriage in relation to her children. He wants his new wife to make HIM the priority and the children want their mom to make THEM the priority.
This “tug of war” creates contempt and resentment leaving the woman in the middle feeling like she has to “choose a side”. It’s also one of the main reasons why the second marriage divorce rate is higher than first marriages.
But the sad fact is; this is only HALF the battle in the “tug of war” that leads to a second divorce.
2. War of the Wives
The next part of the “tug of war” involves an ex spouse who tries to get more of their ex’s money. (Let’s assume in this case it’s a woman, but this can go both ways.) Since she resents her now ex husband, she feels she’s entitled to his money because of “what he put her through”.
At the other end of the ‘rope’ is this man’s current wife. She doesn’t feel the other woman deserves any of his money because he has a new life now…with a new wife. She feels that the court-ordered money is more than enough and the ex wife is now being greedy.
What complicates this even further is when the ex wife gets remarried to a man who coaches and encourages her to go after her ex’s bank roll. After all, more money will help out HIS new household. This leaves the husband in his second marriage with not one, but TWO people conspiring against him.
3. The Quest for Mr. / Mrs. Right
This is another big reason why second marriages fail. Going into a second marriage without realizing why the first one failed is like NASA building a new rocket before finding out why the last one exploded.
Instead of focusing on what REALLY went wrong in their last marriage, people often place blame solely on their ex husband or wife. They end up believing that the key to a happy marriage is simply finding the right partner.
If you’ve thought this way before, I’ve got news for you….there is no “right partner.” There never will be. The key is finding someone who has values similar to yours. And you won’t know this unless you DISCUSS them with your partner.
The love and infatuation you feel for this person is NOT proof you’ve found a good match. Now I don’t mean to “burst your bubble”, but if you ONLY get married because of your feelings for each other, you’re setting yourself up for failure.
4. Been There, Done That
In second marriages, it’s often easier to get a divorce because there’s no fear of the unknown like there was when you contemplated divorce in your first marriage.
People in a second marriage are far LESS willing to forgive and forget their spouse’s little imperfections, yet they’re MORE willing to call it quits because they’ve been through divorce before.
But at no point in time do they ever stop and look at themselves and the part that THEY played in the failure of their last marriage – they just move on in their quest for Mr. or Mrs. Right instead of trying to improve their current relationship.
5. YOUR Money, MY Money or OUR Money?
Whether you like it or not, MONEY plays a big part in every marriage. But what most money problems really boil down to is…TRUST. When couples get married, they’re faced with the question of combined or separate income.
This is especially true in second marriages since most people have been financially crippled by their divorce making them LESS financially secure than they were when they were first married….which means they’ll be in even WORSE shape if things take a turn for the worst.
When women are faced with husbands who insist on separate incomes, they can feel insecure, but more importantly, they begin to sense distrust. And after all, what she’s looking for is security both financially and emotionally.
So when her husband insists on “your money” and “my money”, she sees it as insinuating that she cannot be trusted with his finances.
Since she’s not sure whether her husband is out to protect HER or protect himself FROM her, this trust issue will always be a strain on this second marriage unless it is brought to light.
Now that you know the top 5 reasons why second marriages fail you can go into your second marriage completely aware of the pitfalls that completely blind-side 67% of those who remarry for the second time.
The best advice I can give you is get everything out in the open before you make a commitment.
It may not be very ‘romantic’ to discuss your beliefs and values about issues like money and children, but if you want to make your second marriage your last – it’s absolutely CRITICAL you discover any drawbacks that could potentially destroy your new marriage.
The sooner you get everything out in the open, the better. For more marriage tips, check out my free 20 question video series.
